What if?
by Naomi
Summary: Have you ever sent a letter expressing your feelings to the one who got away? A letter to the one who got away. When it's over, isn't enough. Have you ever thought: What if? or What could have been? I have. KK AU


Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin. All rights belong to Watsuki, Sony, Viz, and other associated parties.

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**What if…**

Kenshin,

What if…

No one realizes how dangerous those words are. They drill deep into your heart and plant their poisonous seed. They fester and grow without you realizing it until the day they show their face and make you hope for what can never be.

They fill your head with wonderful, halcyon fantasies of things that never happened. They make you replay memories over and over again in your head until you go insane wondering what it would have been like if things were different or if you had just acted in some other way.

Damn it Kenshin! Why do you still do this to me?

I kept telling myself that it was over. We were only together such a short time. I thought that it was something I deluded myself into thinking I wanted. I thought it was like all my other relationships.

You have to understand, before, I only had relationships for the sake of having relationships. I saw all the girls around, their faces beautifully made up, with their boys hanging off their arms and staring at them in adoration. They always seemed to me to be older than their years, more like the airbrushed models that graced the insides of fashion magazines. I always felt so immature and naive in comparison to them. They had experienced life in a way that was still mysterious to me.

Needless to say, I jumped at the first opportunity to have a boyfriend. His name was Daigoro. He was a wonderful friend and a nice enough boy. I knew even when I said yes the day he asked me out that what I felt for him was the love between friends. I suppose I never should have led him on. At least I would have saved myself from the guilt…

We dated sporadically when ever our parents got us together, since we lived so far away. I didn't think the relationship was serious. How wrong I was. I went to a school dance with him, semi-formal, and as we were slow dancing he looked at me and I froze in dread. I realized in that moment that he loved me and I wanted to run away because I felt disgusted with myself for having led him on. The relationship was over soon after that.

The only other one after that, before you, probably cannot even qualify as a relationship. It was one of those things that never happened. I had fallen for a boy the summer before who, like everyone around me, seemed so much more experienced. I had never even kissed a boy. I kept praying that over the summer, perhaps I could at least remedy that.

It happened on a cruise ship. I was sitting on a couch with the large ceiling to floor windows beside me. Talking with a boy I had met the day before, it just happened, we kissed. The instant it happened… I wish I had waited. It was like kissing a fish… or how I supposed it would be like. I suppose all those fireworks and sparks you read about in novels during a girl's first kiss, only occur if she has any feelings towards the recipient.

So a year went by when I had met you. I am not even sure how it happened, Kenshin, but we became friends. It was just like one of those things; that was meant to be. You had the maturity of someone beyond your age, which gave you a self-assurance that was attractive. You were jaded by the past, something you never quite talked about. Slowly, you became someone of interest to me, an anomaly. You were fascinating and I was sure how I felt towards you.

I am not sure when I started to like you. It was gradual, being as I am not one to be rushed were emotions are concerned. I decided in my mind that I was going to date you, event though in the back of my head something warned me that if I rushed it, things would turn out like before.

I wish I had listened.

Even now, I am not sure if I only convinced myself at the time that I liked you or maybe it was just my subconscious telling me what my heart felt. Does it matter now?

During our first kiss, I am not sure what I felt. I think I was so confused about my emotions where you were concerned, that I couldn't register the sensation that invaded my mind in that instant. It was over too soon for me to decipher. Suddenly, we were dating.

Even now I ask myself what was wrong with me during that time period.

I felt elation and horror at the same time. I wasn't sure if I had only tricked my mind into thinking I liked you or if it was true. Terror filled me at the prospect of what was actually happening. I avoided you and yet tried to spend enough time with you so that you thought things were normal. You always could read me like a book…

A few short weeks and it was over. You broke up with me, claiming that you were having issues of your own. In that instant, I did not quite realize what you were saying. I just smiled and agreed, thinking I was relieved it was over. Why are we humans always so stupid when it comes to love?

It did not hit me until that night, when I was sitting alone and contemplating the day. A knot settled in the bottom of my stomach and I blanched, only then realizing what I had lost. I knew you were probably only being nice, not telling me that you broke up with me because I was not ready to be dating. Like so many times before in my life, I swallowed my regret and resolved to move on.

A few weeks later, I was surprised at how jealous I got when I saw you being intimate with another girl. I wanted to kick something as hard as I could until I shattered into a million pieces.

You two were soon dating, though you confided to me that you weren't sure about the relationship since you both were so similar. I predicted you would break up for that reason, daring to speak my hopes out loud. It soon came to pass that I was right.

Happy because you weren't seeing anyone and yet knowing I couldn't go back with you, I thought things would stay that way forever.

We soon began to talk more than ever before. You said I had become you sister, someone you swore to protect. I thought I would be happy staying in that role, Kenshin. I figured anything I could get from you was a gift, even if it was not exactly what I wanted.

It wasn't until months later that you met her, the hauntingly beautiful woman. Unlike everyone else you had been with before, she had something different. I did not think much of it when I would see you both talking at first. After all, you were friends with plenty of other girls.

I was slightly shocked the day you asked her out, since she was so different from everyone else. It seemed so casual. I told myself that it would end soon, just like all the others.

There are times when I hate being wrong.

It didn't end. Days turned into weeks, which in turn became months. I would see you two together and pretend that it didn't affect me. You seemed so happy so what right did I have to interfere. I had had my chance and I blew it.

We kept becoming better friends. I started to call you every once in a while, and it became less awkward to talk to you on the phone like it had been during our relationship. I confided in you although you did not return the favor.

Soon summer arrived and college loomed ahead. There has never before been a point in which I tried to drag my feet so much to still the passage of time. I wanted to preserve every moment with you and everyone else I cared about.

You were there to see Tomoe graduate. I tried to ignore the comments of others. They told me that when I looked away, you would glance at me, a strange emotion on your face. They told me that while you were with Tomoe, what you felt couldn't be anything more than adoration. You just did not seem to act like you loved her. I did not dare to dream.

Still, there were times that summer that your hand lingered too long on my arm and I did not push it away. Those comments kept playing through my head, but what good could that do me.

What if….

What if you felt more for me than you let on…

What if things were more than they seemed…

What if I told you of my feelings, would it do any good…?

What if. Such a dangerous phrase…

Nothing happened. I knew better to act on passion and impressions from you that could have been nothing more that fabrications of my lovesick mind.

I moved all the way across the country, scared more than I have ever been before and yet telling myself that I had to start over. I still don't know if I picked my college based on its merits or the fact that it was the furthest I could get away from you and the feelings you invoked in me.

Our weekly conversations began. Sometimes it was you calling me and at other times it as me calling you. You became my lifeline to home as I tried to fight off the bitter homesickness that threatening to consume me. You told me of you visits with Tomoe, since she was at college elsewhere as well, though much closer than me. I took it in stride. I had had much practice by then.

I tried to move on and establish a new life in this new place. I even tried dating but that ended horribly when the guy tried to move much too fast for my taste. At least that is the reason I gave him. The truth is that I still had feelings for you.

Now I can see the holidays approaching and I am counting down the days till I can board that plane and rush home to everyone I love.

Then last night we had that phone call. It was nothing special really, just our weekly rants. You told me about the party you were planning for when I came home and that you and Misao might be there at the airplane terminal with a big sign to welcome me home.

Then I asked you a question that had been bouncing around me brain for months. I asked if you loved Tomoe.

Unsurprisingly, you didn't know. You knew you adored her and that it frightened you when she told you recently that she wanted to go study abroad. You didn't want to be that far from her. Perhaps it was love after all, but you didn't know. Perhaps you are as confused as I am, Kenshin, and not as assured as you made me believe.

We continued talking, trying to forget that uncomfortable subject. As we were saying good night though, you asked me why I wanted to know, why it mattered to me that you loved her.

You spoke as if you suspected something. I wasn't sure if it was because you thought I still liked you or, as I dared to hope, that you perhaps liked me and wanted to know if it was mutual.

I told you a lie, that I was just wondering. I assured you that I wanted to make sure you were happy with Tomoe. It wasn't a complete falsehood because I thought you deserved each other. She wasn't afraid as I had been and she seized the opportunity to be with you when it presented itself. How could I not help but admire her.

I hung up quickly, just wanting to get away. I thought back on your last question, about what the hidden text of it truly was. I will never know for sure. But I got the strangest thought.

Did you perhaps break up with me because you thought I deserved better and you didn't want to hold me back because I was planning to leave?

What a bitter thought to have at night. Yet, at one o'clock in the morning with the rain still slick on my dorm room window, it made sense. After all, you are always telling me that I deserved more than what was back home and that I had done something for myself by coming to the college of my dreams. You told me I was going to go so far away from the city of my childhood.

Damn it Kenshin! Why are you so confusing?

They say that women are complex creatures that are hard to understand but the same thing can be said about men!

Even if it is the reason you broke up with me, what does it matter? I am here and you are thousands of miles away. I may still love you, but the world will not stop spinning for me.

Thus, for now, all I can do is watch and wait as I finish writing this letter you will never read.

Signed,

Your Kaoru

To be continued...

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A/N: This is one of those stories that blindsides you at two in the afternoon on some idle Tuesday. I am not sure why I wrote this but the plot bunnies insisted that I do. I would like to thank kokoronagomu for betaing this fic and helping me to think of a summary. I hope you like this, but it was written more for my gratification than for anyone else's. If you did like it or would just like to rant about the story's defects, feel free to leave a review. I am open to listen. 

Until later,

Naomi


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